Now there’s a gooey mess all over my couch. I must have slept through the melting when I nodded off while watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Did I say Golden Girls? I meant Walker Texas Ranger. I turned on the Golden Girls only because Bea Arthur’s hair looked so silly.
Walker Texas Ranger is my favorite show by the way. I watch it all the time. Yeah, screw that Bea Arthur and her hair. We’re gonna talk about Chuck Norris. Good old Chuck Norris totally rules. I love me some Chuck Norris. Well, in a manly way of course. His sinewy forearms. Those intense eyes.
You know, if Bea Arthur was a real woman, I wouldn’t be saying such things.
Mary Tudor, Queen of France married Charles Brandon, 1st Duke of Suffolk.
Queens make the best brides.
It’s getting warmer. Urgh. I despise warm weather. Usually warm weather makes people sin more.
I have had a tiring day trying to preserve my morals. More people should be like me and less like themselves. Does anyone realize how exhausting it is fighting for the Lord every day? It’s a thankless job. Even the homosexuals don’t appreciate how I am struggling to help them attain salvation.
The lady just won’t bring me my check. What could be keeping her? Oh wait…
This is how homosexuals destroy the lives of ordinary law-abiding Americans. Today, a slow waitress. Tomorrow, the world.
And who knows what else? I’m sure the necrophiliacs will also come out in full force. After all research has shown that homosexuality and necrophilia go together. (This is why gay people smell so good. They have to use a lot of deodorant to cover up the smell of corpses.) Anyway Gaymarriagedidthis.com has learned exclusively that Washington DC might legalize gay marriage.
Also be warned, good people of DC: our investigation shows that at this rate, soon people will be coming forward trying to marry their gerbil and their dead grandmother. Our crack team of high-level operatives has also found out that homosexuals like to have sex in public places and they frequently desecrate famous buildings. So be prepared to witness some lunatic rapidly fingering his gerbil in front of the Treasury Building, or some weirdo stick his tongue inside his great-aunt’s skull at the Smithsonian.
Just remember DCites, stay calm, alert the authorities and if you find yourself getting aroused by Satan, simply stick a finger in the nearest electric socket. That’s what I do. It really works.
